i just moved into my apartment in costa rica. it's nice. i like having down time that doesn't feel forced. i hope i don't get bored with it, though, having less people around, but right now, it feels right. I have a roommate, who also works at the PGI, and our neighbor always hangs out there, too, and we're in the same little complex as the only grocery store in miles. plus, it's a 2 minute walk to see lindsay! i can't believe that i've been here for a month and a half by now. i think i'll be here for at least another few months, but i can already feel myself getting a little antsy. i want to find a little bit more direction in my life, and express myself creatively a little more, but that will come in time. my new roommate plays guitar, so maybe he will teach me. that could be cool. i want to get some paints and paint stuff. i work 5 days a week, so it's real life right now. my boss is sort of unbalanced at times, but right now, things are going well, so maybe he was just in a weird funk and all will be smooth sailing from now on. we'll see. i'm already sort of itching for another adventure, but i'm also really happy where i am. but whenever i see someone is off somewhere doing something awesome and different, it is a reminder that i need to do that, too. the song trip around the sun by jimmy buffett has been inspiring me a lot lately. it makes me want to go on a trip around the sun. i suppose i should start attempting to plan what's next, but, i would say that trying might not be worth it. i've been a tumbling tumbleweed for 8 months now, and it's been great. one day perhaps i'll settle into something a bit more permanant, but for now, i'll keep going where the wind blows me. how very sagittarius of me.

i just had a really good christmas. no real presents were given or recieved, minus someone gave me weed and i gave a few people weed truffles. also, i made ice cream sandwiches that were dank! but i came to a realization today i think. no matter what i do, it's going to be awesome. i need to be less afraid, and i suddenly feel like i am less afraid to do things. i need to keep putting myself out there.
and realize not everything is be all, end all. in fact, even rod, looking at pictures now, it's like what was i thinking. he was awesome, but 3 months, a month and a half later doesn't seem like much. i can go whever, i can do whatever. i just got a rid ehome on a motorcycle/moped. i neeeeeeeeeed to get another moped!!! i love love love love love love love them! next goal- own a moped again
plus the cute guy, i think he kind of hit on me tonight.
oh, and a 60 year old woman tried to make out with me tonight.

merry christmas to all!!!!!!!

i came to costa rica not really expecting anything. hoping i'd get to surf, and not knowing if i was going to want to stay or not. now, a few weeks into it, i want to stay, for awhile at least. i'm happy with how things are going. i'm working friday, saturday, sunday, monday, which means i'm actually getting shifts at my job! i'm making and selling banana bread to guests at the hostel, which can be a little hit or miss, but i'm also in the process of trying to sell it at the grocery store down the street, which might be a little more hit, but we'll see. I'm gaining confidence in things i say and do here. i'm bartending at a restaurant that's about a 15 minute bikeride away from where i stay, and meeting some people there. and i have a crush. he's cute. i'm not really expecting anything, but it's always nice to have that giddy feeling. i need to get out more and take more pictures, but i've been doing a good job of keeping myself busy by surfing and cooking, and going for walks. i should start reading again more, though.
tomorrow's my birthday. i work, but i'm kind of excited b/c it should be decently busy, and i'll at least be in a fun environment for it. plus, lindsay's gonna come and hang out, so it will be awesome.
i took my first day off of surfing yesterday. idk why, but i had kind of a bummer day, but i feel much better today, and think i'm glad i took a day off. plus, starting today we can surf twice a day for a little while, so i'm stoked on that.

i will get RID of the REDhead named ROD, who i once thought was so RAD; he put me in a RUD
AEIOU motherfucker!

there was an eclipse today. i knew it was coming, and i planned things out by it- namely, i decided that if i would either hear or not hear from rod today. i decided if i didn't hear from him, i'd move on. and if i did, then i shouldn't be surprised b/c it was in the eclipse. i wasn't sure what i was going to hear, or not hear, but i knew it was going to be something concerning him, b/c this eclipse was supposed to put relationships into perspective. Here's an excerpt from the monthly horoscope to help realize what i'm saying- "Full moon lunar eclipses, like this one, will end things, but the so-called ending might be the end of your single status when you get engaged for Christmas, Hanukkah, your birthday, or New Years. Or, it may be a real ending, and you break up. I am so sorry to have to even suggest this possibility."
And I knew that this may be coming, and was dreading it, and decided to not even look at rod's profile until today (for about 5 days or something, which is a long time in my book!). I held that end of it up. today i woke up and went for a walk, it was nice, refreshing, i thought about things, and i wasn't exactly sure how i felt about them. i listened to jets to brazil's you're the one i want and thought some more. i came home and checked his profile. nothing new, nothing exciting. but i also didn't feel anything. the pangs of being without him were gone. i was looking at his profile as i would look at any person who i sort of knew's profile. i only sort of knew him. there are only a few documented pictures of the two of us. he was 3/312 or 1/104th of my life (that's months of my life, and i've lived (practically) 26 years). 1/104th. that doesn't constitute me. and what has got me through? well, NOFX, i'd say that i've officially been a punk rocker for most of my life by now, right?! so, punk rock (the music, and the basis of it as i learned to live it- not the greasy fucking gutter kids who think its cool to be an anarchist and litter and all that shit!) yeah, it's punk rock. and yes, i like yoga, and i like balancing, and i like all of that stuff- i like nature, and surfing and being healthy and kind and nice and friendly, and i like laughing and enjoying people's company. but i like punk rock! and fuck you if it doesn't fit your ideolgy on what it should be. i like it, and i don't think it makes me anxious or unbalanced. i think it actually balances me quite nicely, and gives me a fire. yeah. that's what i have to say about that!

i just woke up from a nap. the nap was really unsettling, i was in and out of consciousness, and had very strange, unpleasant thoughts. i don't know where they came from, but i didn't like them. i feel like my energy has been really strange today, and that is probably what caused these strange, odd thoughts and feelings. hmmm, december 4th. not sure. anyways, though, i'm thinking more and more about the idea of becoming a yoga instructor. perhaps i should do a little yoga now, balance things out. i'm not sure why i'm even writing about this now, it's just a feeling, it will pass, but it was just strange and unpleasant, i'm glad i don't feel like this all of the time, and it makes me happy to realize that i don't, and that most of the time i am happy and positive.

i've also had thoughts of love swirling around in my head. i have an american outlook on love, i'm pretty sure, and i'm realizing other places, i think people have a different view on love. i like my views on love, the concept of love as being pure and simple. i'm trying to reorganize them slightly so that they are more balanced, but there are some views on love i just don't want to accept. i suppose i don't surround myself with people who think of love in such ways, and that maybe it's not even an american thing, maybe it's just a certain population's thoughts and views on it that i don't agree with- people who don't believe in it. anyways, thats all i feel like writing about it now.

man, i wish i wasn't hung up on this. i have spent every day doing what i want to do- surfing, yoga, biking, hanging out with my new friends, doing things, i'm doing things constantly, and i just can't shake him. the idea of him. i wish i could just push it out of my head. i don't sit and pout and not do anything. i eat, i laugh, i have fun. i found a job in costa rica- i don't start til friday, but still! yay, a job, something to further ease my mind. but still. fuck. sucks sucks sucks.

i'm pretty sure it took me less time to get over jason and matt, and they were both over 2 years.
we now return to your regularly scheduled static...................

so, it's taken me the better part of the year, but i will have accomplished both of my resolutions for the year- snowboard in tahoe, and leave the country for a little bit! I'm going to Costa Rica on Sunday!!!!! i can't wait, and buying the ticket made this trip feel less like a transition, and more like the enjoyable trip to california i had hoped it would be. the ticket here was only 150, and yeah, i was only here for what will end up being a week and 2 days, but i'm glad i came, and i'm glad i'm leaving when i am (though staying through thanksgiving sounds more and more like a good idea, but oh well, it gives me a reason to come back).

i'm starting to realize that life IS what you make it, meaning there are a million things any one person can do on any given day, but you need to find the things that make you personally happy and do them! it took awhile for me to fully feel out what it is i like to do, but i did it! and now i'm doing it. when you do it, you get that feeling that there is no place you'd rather be at the time, which is awesome. i've been surfing and doing a lot of yoga this trip- it's been awesome. last night was my first big night out, and i think probably the next few nights might be kinda crazy too, but i'm ready for it, and i took it easy most of the time i was here.

i suppose i should take a minute here to update my last few months. i was staying in empire for the fall- surfing lake michigan, doing yoga, going for hikes, making friends, eating really good food- lots of cooking, lots of organic foods, etc. it was slower than what i'd become accustomed to, but at the end of the day, i felt like i'd accomplished more than i typically felt about a day in sf. i was dating rod, who completely blindsided me upon meeting him, and we had what i would consider a really great relationship. it took a little time for me to adjust to living in michigan, in a yurt, but after about a week, i was really happy. we spent every day together, and i felt we really connected on an amazing level. unfortunatly, i don't think he believes in loving another person on the level of a relationship. i can't wrap my mind around that, but i guess he can no longer wrap his mind around loving someone on a relationship level. really big bummer, and i hope he can in the future. i can't fully shake the feeling that we are still somehow connected, but maybe we are, maybe we aren't. right now, i know i need to do my own thing. and it took about a week, but i'm pretty much there. i'm still honestly perplexed as to how it went from constant happiness in each other's presence to ok, i'm going to puerto rico and you really can't come.


so here's an excerpt from my other journal:
i've been thinking about love as a concept and an idea lately, and if it's worth it, if it even really exists. i'm well aware that 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce, and those are just the cold hard facts on it- it doesn't account for how many marriages there are in the world that don't end in divorce but really, should. i'd venture to say there are a whole lot more. i'm struggling with this concept alongside the happily ever after concept. is love real? i had a teacher tell me once that it didn't exist a few centuries ago, that humans have evolved this feeling. back then, everything was prearranged and people did what they HAD to to get by. i feel like some people still live in this version of the world, a lot of them out of necessity, but others by choice. there are things that people place higher in value than other human beings (why else would we have war? it's ok to kill human beings, as long as i get the gold), but that doesn't apply to everyone. some people are able to find love within them and spread it to other humans, and take pleasure in it. not everyone on earth sees money as love. $ < <3. i don't, you don't, other people don't. i also don't think love eventually turns into sabotage. i love my family, and my friends so much, it's hard to leave them sometimes. i want to be your friend, i don't want awkwardness between us, but i feel like you are unable to open your heart to me (thanks, madonna!) and allow yourself to feel what you want to feel. i'm not begging you for anything, i'm just asking you to be honest with yourself. i don't know, maybe you've met more people than i have who you want to just give your love to and allow them to give you all the happiness in the world, but for me and maybe it's my bad, i place my friends on these pedestals, and think about them all every day and want to see their continued success and happiness, and feel like sometimes i don't see a return on it, which i'm ok with. i'm not going to stop caring about someone b/c they don't care about me as much as i care about them.
______________________
i'm trying to be able to see love in ways that other people see it. i really can only know how to interpret love as how i've come to know it. other people have different views on it. but really, i think you can call it anything, or nothing, but if someone is making you so happy in your day to day, that's love. i wouldn't just change any of my relationships with my friends just because. sure, things happen, and relationships change between people, which does change where things stand, but i really can't wrap my head around leaving and acting like there was nothing. i thikn he must have a really hurt heart.


anyways, i think that's all i want to say on that right now. i'm excited to go somewhere new and see new things and do new things, and take this huge plunge into this really unknown thing- i've heard with every broken heart, you should become more adventurous.....

I've been in Empire for almost a month now, and I feel like I've learned so much- about life, myself, and others. It's been a really good experience, and I feel like moving up here was definitely the right choice. I've stopped relying so heavily on the internet to keep me entertained, and really.....haven't gone to a bar here (is that right?), at least not more than once or twice, which is nice because while they can be fun, they can be a huge energy sucker and waste of time- when you're in the bar, your focus is being in the bar, and conversation can flow, but not in the same way that it can around a bonfire, or in a person's home, where you are collectively there by choice and by invitation, and so there is a certain level of intamicy established.
The last 24 hours were strange. Though I may not have experienced the full spectrum of emotions, I definitely felt a huge flux in both negative and positive emotions. The thing that strikes me most on it is that I was first off aware of my emotions, and secondly felt that I acted to the best of my ability on them. I felt myself get physically hot from my anger, and letting it go, through communication, felt really good. I got a few things off my chest, and though I still have some processing to do, am at an ok place with it all.
Right now, I feel as though I'm experiencing a kind of fatigue. My mind is questioning a lot of things that I have learned about life, as new ideas have been presented to me and I've allowed them to sink in.
One thing I can say is that I feel like taking the steps back from life as I knew it is that I've been more aware of what is going on around me. Not only in nature, but in people. I've reflected on past relationships, be it with my friends, family, or boyfriends of the time, and been able to more fully comprehend them. Though I would never want to say I've been selfish (it's not the right word), it's the word that I think best describes how I've been able to view interactions with human beings. I have been under the understanding that I can only control and affect my own emotions and actions, and have typically processed them without placing my mind into what another might be thinking. And maybe that's not fully true, I just feel like I have really been trying more to take into account the whole picture. My thoughts lately have been trying to put myself in other people's shoes and think of what they might be going through and thinking and imagining, and how they got to where they were.
It always seemed unfair to me that within a group of people, some are more brilliant than others. Some shine brighter, have higher levels of happiness, are funnier, more charming, etc than others. Some factors are beyond one's control. But it seems that these factors differ from different people. It seems that there are always outside factors that will inhibit or ignite a person to strive for certain things, and it's hard to tell what is right for each individual person. I'm realizing that some people think they do not have to ability to change things about themselves, but I am not one of them, and should not act as though I cannot. By allowing myself to see, feel, do, I am allowing myself to change and grow.
I can only personally speak for myself, but as I've stated, I feel I've recently been having wider ranges of emotions. I feel like a few things have been set into place allowing me to open myself up to them. I've learned that by talking with people, you can learn more about them, who they are, where they come from, etc, as well as learning about yourself, which I think can help to move a person into a forward direction. It also seems that by talking to people, and really getting to know them, new ideas can be presented to you, ideas that have only been on the outside of your radar, or perhaps were never there at all. Perhaps I've known some of this all along, but I feel like lately, it has really started to take effect on me.
I think it's becoming more important to me to really strive to learn things and to try things. Before, I feel like I wanted to learn things and to try things, but a sort of unease, or, fear, took over me, and didn't fully stop, but didn't allow for the open flow of new and different ideas.
I also feel like, while it is great and exciting and new to learn all these new things, it is somewhat overwhelming at times. Right now, I feel like my brain is going too fast, it wants to learn too much, to just harness everything it possibly can. I know I need to focus a little bit more and choose a few things to delve into, but it's like a blindfold was taken off, and I can see everything for the first time, so I want to see EVERYTHING, which would leave me really only remembering a few things. I know it is more practical to pick a few things and slowly add on to those things, thereby creating a more lasting memory of all of them.
Another thing on my mind as of late, which ties in to the above, is to have a few goals. It's been a little while since I've had goals, not too long, but just long enough to make me restless for new goals. I haven't decided what they are just yet, but one is to try and be nicer not only in my words and actions to people, but also in my mind.
Yet another thing weighing on my mind is balance. City and country. Work and play. Emotions. Without balance, things just fall apart. I could not sit here in this state of mind forever, it would be unhealthy. Laughter is pretty awesome. I think I'm in this state of reflections because I had such a crazy whirlwind.....year. It's been a little bit of an adjustment learning to breathe and not have a million things lined up to do, but I'm starting to like it. It doesn't mean that I don't want to have things to do ever, just that I think a little time with not a ton to do is probably good for me. I can regain some focus, which can be so easily lost in the chaos of life.
I think this is all I can write for the time being, my brain's kind of sloshing around right now.

why is it ok to have a blog, and not a livejournal? I'm not really sure, but for now, I'm sticking with LJ, but am considering going the way of the blog....
Anyways, let's do a lightning speed recap of the past few months here:
After living in San Francisco for 2 years, with an 8 month reprieve up in St Helena to finish culinary school, I decided it was time for something different.
I decided to go to Hawaii for the end of May, all of June, and the better half of July. Loved pretty much every minute of it!
Afterwards, I flew into Oakland July 19th(?) and was greeted with Gjoni and Kayti soon followed. Spent a few amazing days in San Francisco (not enough time!) and then some even more amazing days on the road with Kayti driving from San Francisco back to Michigan.
August consisted of helping Ashley out with wedding stuff, hanging out with my family and friends, and getting a job at a great restaurant in Ann Arbor, called Grange, which you should definitely eat at if you happen to be in Ann Arbor and are looking for a great meal.It is also when I met Rosie's friends, Lindsay and Rod, who live up in Empire and surf Lake Michigan! I started making frequent (read:weekly) trips up to hang out and go surfing, which leads to my current state: living in a yurt, in a backwoods village of Michigan that has a population of under 1,500.
The yurt has no central heat, and the only running water we have comes from a hose.
Granted, I'm not exactly roughing it. There is electricity, a stove and a refridgerator, and access to a shower and the internet well within walking distance, and I'm using a car as my primary method of transportation (which is strange in and of itself, in that in San Francisco, I walked/biked most places, and in Hawaii, my moped got me wherever I wanted to go).
So far, it's been fun. I lit my first successful fire in the wood-burning stove last night, and have been exploring this new and beautiful part of Michigan, and even made it up to the UP in search of waves!